The Mourning Quilt

The Mourning Quilt

It's a finish!

60 x 80

hand quilted

My granddaughter Kayla unexpectedly passed away in January 2022 at the age of 17.  Her cause of death is still kind of a mystery but the death certificate after autopsy listed it as "probable cardiac arrhythmia".  Kayla lived with me most of her short life and for a few years I was her guardian so she was more like a daughter than a granddaughter. She and another granddaughter, born 5 weeks apart, came into our lives when my husband was at his lowest point with oropharyngeal cancer - angels that gave him a will to live.   

I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager and I know myself well enough to set daily, weekly, monthly and long term goals or I would spend my days in bed. I set goals I can accomplish because I have a fear of failure (and debt).   After Kayla's death  I knew the grief could consume me so one of my goals was to work on a quilt of hearts every day- Sweetheart, Heart throb, Love, Cardiac Arrhythmia, Broken Heart. 

Most of the 4 inch Hearts are made of scraps - pink, white, red. I alternated light and dark blocks in the quilt. 

I hand quilted about 1/4 inch inside each block with perle cotton #12. I used white thread in the light blocks and red thread in the dark blocks. 

The red tone on tone backing has dragonflies in it. Kayla liked those temporary tattoos and usually wore a dragonfly or butterfly. The strange thing is that a week after she passed away she received a couple of dragonfly tattoos in the mail that she had ordered on line.    I used a tone on tone fabric so the hand stitched hearts would show up. 

I had an extra heart left over that I used for the label. My printing doesn't show up all that well on it. I guess I should have used black instead of red marker.  It reads:

Grandma's Mourning Quilt

Kayla

2004 - 2022

And as for the rest of the story...I finished the quilt a few days ago. That night I woke up to go to the bathroom and strangely enough I thought I smelled Kayla's perfume.  Kayla knew I don't really like strong perfume smells. They make my nose run and my eyes water and sometimes give me a sneezing fit. A few weeks before she died she was wearing a new perfume. I loved it and told her it made her smell like a sugar cookie. That made her smile. 

And then after I went to the bathroom I decided to read a book (The Irish Nanny by Sandy Taylor) as I often do when I wake up in the middle of the night.  And strangely enough after a page or two there was a quote by George Eliot - 

“She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.”

Like I said...strangely enough...

And sew on...

Finished or Not Finished Friday at Alycia Quilts

Peacock Party at Wendy's Quilts and More

Slow Sunday Stitching at Kathy's Quilts

 

What's In The Hoop?

Hearts

Probable Cardiac Arrhythmia

Love

Gone in a Heartbeat

Sweetheart

I lost my 17 year old granddaughter a little over a year ago. It was unexpected. She was healthy one day and passed away in her sleep the next. Death certificate listed cause of death as "probable cardiac arrhythmia".  I kind of worked through my grief by making a quilt. 

4 inch hearts in red, white and pink. Most pieces were scraps.

And now it is in the hoop and the hand quilting has begun. 

Big stitch hand quilting with perle #12 in red and white. 

Kayla

December 7, 2004 - January 15, 2022

And sew on...

Slow Sunday Stitching at Kathy's Quilts

Oh Scrap! at Quilting Is More Fun Than Housework

 

Now It Is Time For a Daughter's Grief

My father Mike and my granddaughter Kayla at a family reunion in 2013.

My father Michael 

May 25, 1930 - March 31, 2022

My granddaughter Kayla

December 7, 2004 - January 15, 2022

 

The Heart

 

Four inch (finished) hearts.

I suddenly felt like making myself a quilt of red, pink and white hearts.

 I've also been educating myself on genetic cardiac disorders. 

My granddaughter Kayla died unexpectedly on January 15. An autopsy has been performed and evidently her cause of death is still undetermined and still classified as SUD (Sudden Unexplained Death). Even though she tested negative for covid six days before her death and also her preliminary autopsy results for covid were negative I understand that the final autopsy results for covid were positive. However they have not ruled covid as the cause of death. Now the medical examiner has referred her samples on for  sponsored postmortem cardiac genetic testing to see if there was some genetic cardiac disorder that caused her death. Invitae is the lab that is doing the testing. 

I cannot believe there are so many cardiac genetic disorders that can go undetected in young folks. 

&&&&&

If you are interested I've included some research I have come across below. 

Most sudden deaths are because of a cardiac etiology and are termed sudden cardiac death (SCD). In younger individuals coronary artery disease is less prevalent and cardiac genetic disorders are more common. If sudden death is unexplained despite an appropriate autopsy and toxicologic assessment the term sudden arrhythmic death syndrome (SADS) may be used. This is an umbrella term and common underlying etiologies are primary arrhythmia syndromes with a familial basis such as Brugada syndrome, long QT syndrome, and subtle forms of cardiomyopathy. The first clinical presentation of these conditions is often SCD, which makes identification, screening, and risk stratification crucial to avert further deaths. 

----From: The Role of Genetic Testing in Unexplained Sudden Death; NIH National Library of Medicine. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26143861/

*******

From Invitae Test Catalog at: 

https://www.invitae.com/en/providers/test-catalog/test-02101

Invitae Arrhythmia and Cardiomyopathy Comprehensive Panel

Test description

This test provides a comprehensive analysis of the genes associated with inherited arrhythmia and cardiomyopathy conditions.

Disorders Tested:

Alström syndrome
Andersen-Tawil syndrome
Arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy (ARVC)
Atrial fibrillation
Barth syndrome
Brugada syndrome (BrS)
Cantu syndrome
Carnitine palmitoyltransferase II (CPTII or CPT2) deficiency
Carvajal syndrome
Catecholaminergic Polymorphic Ventricular Tachycardia (CPVT)
Combined oxidative phosphorylation deficiency (COXPD)
Congenital disorder of glycosylation DOLK-CDG (CDG-Im)
Danon disease
Dilated cardiomyopathy (DCM)
Dystrophinopathy
Dystrophy-dystroglycanopathy types A4, B4, C4, A5, B5 and C5
Emery-Dreifuss muscular dystrophy (EDMD)
Fabry disease
Glycogen storage disease type II (GSDII), also known as Pompe disease
Glycogen storage disease, type III (GSD III)
Hereditary transthyretin-mediated amyloidosis (hATTR amyloidosis)
Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (HCM)
Inherited cardiomyopathies
Jervell and Lange-Nielsen syndrome (JLNS)
Left ventricular noncompaction (LVNC)
Limb-girdle muscular dystrophy type 2F
Long QT syndrome (LQTS)
Naxos disease
Noonan-spectrum disorders
Primary carnitine deficiency
Propionic acidemia
Restrictive cardiomyopathy (RCM)
SDHA-related mitochondrial complex II deficiency
Short QT syndrome (SQTS)
Timothy syndrome
Very long chain acyl-CoA dehydrogenase (VLCAD) deficiency
Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome (WPW)

Tulips In The Snow

Tulips In The Snow

It's a finish!

43 x 43

hand quilted

I started this as a response to an Adhoc Improv Quilt (AHIQ) January 2021 prompt. 

I finished the top back in April 2021. The colors were inspired by a cardinal I saw in the snow from my kitchen window.  The strings all came from my string bins. 

I hand quilted it with perle cotton #8. 

I've been stitching while grieving so this quilt is full of not only stitches but tears and memories. 

Tulips In The Snow

Hand quilted in the weeks following the death of beloved granddaughter Kayla on January 15, 2022

Beloved granddaughter a couple of months before her third birthday trying out some wings. 

Now back to those Friendship Star quilts!

 

And Then There Were 90 Friendship Stars

 

90 Friendship Star Blocks for Plan B

I don't listen to music or watch TV while sewing. I like the silence. The hum of the sewing machine, rhythm of the needle and colors and patterns of fabric passing by are both mesmerizing and soothing and clears the mind. Sometimes, however; a few of the marbles rolling around in the brain bump together and spark a thought which sparks another and before I know it a lyrical essay has been written in my mind. 

I was thinking of how I made all of these blocks and I still have not received the fabric I actually ordered to make these blocks- 2 fabrics so blocks in all these quilts for my granddaughter's grieving friends would be all the same and I wouldn't have to think about which fabrics to use from my stash. I have blocks for three out of five quilts made and my fabric order still has not arrived. I was thinking about how it is so easy to expect instant gratification and to throw patience out the door. 

I started making my own clothes back in high school. I attended Catholic school before that and wore a uniform so didn't have any school clothes. It cost too much money to go to Catholic High School so I had to go to public high school. I was the oldest of five and we lived with our Dad who didn't really think we needed many clothes - maybe a nice dress or two for Sunday Mass. 

Back then, before big box stores, it was cheaper to make clothes than to buy them. My paternal grandmother who lived at a distance taught me to sew. The first piece of clothing I made was an aqua broadcloth V-neck jumper with lining and zipper. I don't know how many times I had to model the darned thing that summer after sixth grade. Every time a friend or relative came over to visit grandma bragged about my jumper and that led to me modeling it. For years afterwards I was known to grandma's friends and my older relatives I didn't see very often as "the one who sews". 

 I grew up before credit cards and the internet. I babysat for a number of families from the ages of 13-16. Most of that money went into a passbook savings account - saving for a car or college or a few Christmas presents for my siblings. I had a job working a soda fountain in the summer and weekends when I was 15 and later when I was 16 I worked evenings, holidays and weekends and summers at the pie counter of a busy cafeteria.  I took my paycheck straight to the bank and put most of it right into the savings account. I had to take my passbook with me - a little blue book in a plastic folder - and the teller would hand write in the passbook the amount to added (or subtracted) from my total. I learned to count my money once it was in hand to make sure it totaled the amount subtracted from my passbook.  One paycheck was not usually enough to buy myself any fabric to make a dress or skirt (at that time girls wore dresses or skirts at least knee length to public high school, not pants, believe it or not) so I had to save up for my fabric. I usually bought fabric at the J.C. Penney store. (I later bought my record albums there too). I especially remember the brown plaid wool I bought to make a drindl skirt with buttons down the front. I was so proud of the way I matched the plaid in the seams and of the buttonholes I made for the first time. I used repurposed buttons. And I also saved up to buy some brown yarn to knit a sweater to match. That was the first and last piece of clothing I knit. I found crochet to be a lot easier. 

So now I've kind of come full circle. With retirement I don't have much money for fabric and I sometimes have to wait for it when I do buy it. In the meantime I can make do and have not come to expect instant gratification. My fabric will be here when it will be here. 

 

Plan B

Most of Kayla's friends are having a difficult time dealing with her death. Three of them are new friends she met when school started in September. They have made a memorial page for her on Facebook but I'm not on Facebook so have not seen it. I just saw their grief at the visitation and Celebration of Life service.  Another girl who could not stop sobbing at both the visitation and service  has been her friend since Junior High. She goes to a different alternative high school but they have never lost touch. I saw a boy walk into the visitation with crutches. He must either have cerebral palsy or muscular dystrophy. He stood by himself at the coffin and talked to Kayla for the longest time. I couldn't hear what he said but I saw his lips moving. My husband asked him his name and we found it in the guest book. He said he had been friends with Kayla since Junior High and the first year of high school but parted ways when she went to a different school. He was alone again at the Celebration of Life service. He had no coat or hat and it was a very cold day.   All of these kids told us that Kayla had helped them through some troubles.  My other granddaughter is only five weeks older than Kayla.  They have been best friends since birth. 

I decided I wanted to make a quilt for these six kids. Maybe they could wrap up and think of Kayla when troubled and possibly find a little comfort. I am also going to make some little stuffed hearts they can carry in their pockets if they so choose - kind of like a worry stone, prayer stone, memorial stone. 

Except for a few collections of fabric most of my stash is in chunks or smaller scraps. I did not feel like thinking much about what fabric to use to make the quilts so for the first time in my life on January 29th I ordered a couple of bolts of fabric thinking I would make six Friendship Star quilts all the same with one fabric for the background and one for the Stars.   Well, then yesterday I felt like doing some sewing; however, I only felt like making the Friendship Star quilts. Yesterday I still had not even received notification that my fabric had been shipped.  What to do?? What to do??

I dug around in my pile of solids I use for backgrounds and found a big piece of black solid I didn't even know I had. Kayla was usually dressed in black- the goth look. Ok. Maybe I'll use that.  As I mentioned previously Kayla spread sunshine all over the place so I picked up some yellow chunks of fabric thinking I would make yellow stars on a black background. But I was not sure I had enough black or yellow for six quilts so I decided to start by making three quilts the same for her latest group of friends with the memorial page.  Then I was not sure I had enough black for three quilts so decided to stretch it a little with a third fabric and a Friendship Star variation. What to use for a third fabric?? I had a few rainbow-ish fabrics sitting around in a little pile that I have been collecting for a donation quilt. Who doesn't love a rainbow? I searched around and found quite a few multicolored rainbow-ish fabrics to add to that little pile. And Kayla is somewhere over the rainbow so...I sewed.  I'm making 12 inch (finished) blocks and will use 30 blocks in each quilt. 

I'm not sure I have enough solid black for three quilts but that is easy enough to come by. Not sure I have enough rainbows but I've made a lot of blocks and I still have a little pile of rainbows.  This will keep me busy until my fabric order ships. Then I will make the other three quilts as I originally intended. Or maybe I'll change my mind and use the bolts of fabric for backings. 

I am just thankful my grandmother taught me to sew at an early age. It is one way I have found to deal with worry, troubles and grief over the years. Reading and gardening work pretty well too. 

Granddaughters Kayla and Isabelle learning to sew seams on their little Janomes in 2014 at age 10.  Grandma spent most of her time threading the sewing machine needles. 

 

Where Was I?

There's nothing like a dentist appointment to whisk you right off the grief couch and plop you right into reality.  I was going to cancel my 8:00 a.m. appointment for this morning. I don't feel like going to the dentist on the best of days. Well, I didn't cancel. I went.  If I didn't go today I probably would not reschedule for quite some time. 

When I got there and checked in I went to take off my jacket. Well, the zipper tab was stuck in the middle with my jacket unzipped above and below the tab. For Pete's Sake! I was stuck in my coat. I fiddled around with it for a few minutes but zipper tab would not budge. So, in front of receptionists and a couple of folks in the waiting room I had to kind of wiggle around in my jacket in order to get my arms out of it so I could pull it over my head. Wiggle, wiggle. That's the most exercise I've had in a few weeks.  I was hoping I would not also pull my shirt over my head when I pulled my jacket off. Sheesh. I didn't bother to put my coat back on when I left. I had no wiggles left in me. Thank goodness it was a nice warm 40 degrees today. 

When I got home I decided to go into the sewing room. That was kind of overwhelming because most of my sewing projects are organized in my mind. My mind kind of went control -alt -delete when Kayla, my granddaughter, passed away.  I found these Jacob's Ladder blocks on the ironing board. So I ironed them. 

And then I counted how many blocks I have. That would be 41. I want 63 blocks.  I started making these in order to use a lot of cream scraps left over after making a Jack's Chain quilt as well as a lot of brown scraps.  Now most of those cream scraps are gone so I will look through chunks and yardage for some cream pieces  to make 22 more nine inch (finished) blocks. 

Today I ironed and counted (and wiggled). Moving forward. 

And speaking of Jacob...here's Kayla and her cousins Jacob and Isabelle on Thanksgiving 2013. 

Thank you for the cards, prayers, positive thoughts and condolences. They provided a comfort and warmth every bit as real as a loving mother's arms. I tried to respond individually to everyone who left comments; however, some of you are "no--reply" bloggers. I also saw many comments from others who have lost loved ones at a young age and for that I offer my condolences. 

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart - Helen Keller.

 

Grandma's Grief

 Kayla

December 7, 2004 - January 15, 2022

Celebration of Life Address

January 27, 2022

I'm Kayla's grandma. She has lived with me for most of her 17 years. I miss her. 

Missing her is not easy. It doesn't matter if I miss her standing up, miss her sitting down or miss her lying down. A heavy weight keeps me in place; keeps me from moving. I feel numb but at the same time feel such a profound sadness, despair, helplessness. I sit and stare at nothing and yet an endless loop plays over and over again in my mind full of images and memories of Kayla mixed with lots of unanswered questions. 

I thought if I could write about her, put the essence of Kayla on paper, I could later read about her whenever I wanted and like all good story book characters she would come alive in my mind. 

 At first I could not find the words but I wrote a few down every day. When I did finally put some words into cohesive sentences the words were just not right. I wrote and backspaced and rewrote and deleted. I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote and rewrote in my mind only to wake up in the morning, write down the words that kept me up all night and then spend hours and hours again writing, deleting, cutting, writing again. Sadly, nothing I have written has brought her character to life for me. I'd like to share what I've written so far. Maybe for just these few minutes she will come alive for you. I'm not sure I actually have the strength to speak them. Bear with me. I'm a very shy person.   I have a difficult time speaking one on one with people. The thought of speaking before a group, for me, is the stuff nightmares are made of. In the best of times when I have had to speak before a group I've had a difficult time controlling the quiver in my voice, sweaty armpits, shaky hands, and rumbling stomach that comes with a fear that a churning stomach will result in a gas leak.  Just so you know...I may not be able to control the tears, shaky voice and hands, sweating armpits and rumbling noises coming from my stomach but I'm going to try really really hard to prevent a massive gas explosion. 

Over 17 years ago two angels popped into our lives when they were needed the most. The first angel, named Isabelle, arrived on October 31, 2004. The second, named Kayla, arrived 5 weeks later on December 7, 2004.  Since then around our house "IsabelleandKayla" has been all one word - the collective noun used to describe a dynamic duo of angels. A few days ago one of those Angels decided she had some urgent business to tend to elsewhere and "poof" she was gone in an instant.

Kayla,  like all little girls, was born "sugar and spice and everything nice". Everything nice included pink. "Pink" was one of her first words and how appropriate because she seemed always to be "in the pink".  As Kayla matured black became the new pink and she became "giggles and rainbows, song and dance, hugs and kisses, skittles and chocolate, bling and glitter" personified.  

When I first began to write this little ditty about a girl named Kayla I jotted down a few words that I thought described her best. One of the first words that came to mind was "goofball".  I kept thinking I should change "goofball" to something that sounds maybe a little nicer like "free spirit" but that didn't seem right either. She was a free spirit but goofball overrules free spirit in my play book So I stuck with...

"Kayla was a goofball and I think that's a good thing". 

After I wrote that I was having a difficult time defining what I meant by goofball and why I thought it was a good thing. Sooooo...., guess what...I spent almost a whole day researching goofballs and basically what I found out about goofballs was: 

The word "goofball" is old-fashioned and fun and when it comes around to calling someone a goofball, it's a real compliment.

Being a goofball comes naturally, and one of the qualities of goofball-ness is that the goofball is usually a person who can laugh at themselves and take a joke without being upset. Goofballs show the world that it's okay to laugh. Goofballs love to make others laugh — and not only that, they know how to bring out the love in others as well. When a person makes fun of themselves or does something to draw attention to themselves in a humorous or super corny way, that's the goofball gift that keeps on giving.

We remember goofballs. And we remember them because we are impressed with their lack of pretense and their honest ways.

Goofballs don't take life too seriously. They just enjoy the passage of time. 

The day I was doing my research on goofballs I took a break to go check on Linda and Sean. Linda told me she found an old video of Kayla on her Facebook page that I needed to see. I guess I miss  a lot of things because I don't hang out on Facebook. There in the short clip was little girl Kayla dancing around and singing to the tune of "Staying Alive". That goofball! On a day I was researching goofballs she magically pops up in one of her goofball videos and of all the millions of songs she could have been singing it was "Staying alive " Cue the Twilight Zone music. There seemed to be some kind of eerie message in that video. 

Yes, yes...Kayla was a goofball.

As she got into her teen years I never knew what style or color her hair would be from one day to the next. One day she might have long hair that was blond on one side and brunette on the other and the next month she might have shaved red hair on one side and and long green hair on the other.  I never told her this but I am ashamed to admit that at times I was a little embarrassed to be seen with her in public sporting her wildest and craziest 'dos and hair colors. This old lady has had the same hair style since high school and although the color has changed since high school that was a natural occurrence. How shallow of me to think her hair style and color changed her in some way. How shallow of me that at those times I let appearance overrule the "sugar and spice and everything nice" she was born with way down deep inside. Those times she should have been both embarrassed and ashamed to be seen with me. I would give anything now to be seen with her in public with any 'do. That's the problem with death and grief and the guilt that goes with it...it leaves us with a quite a few sentences that begin with "I would give anything".

While Kayla was having fun perfecting her "look" she figured out that no hair color or style would never clash with a smile so she put one of those on 'most every day. (At this point in my mind I hear the words to  "Put on a Happy Face"). 

Pick out a pleasant outlook,

Stick out that noble chin;

Wipe off that "full of doubt" look,

Slap on a happy grin!

And spread sunshine all over the place,

Just put on a happy face!  

She has always had an endless supply of smiles in her bag of makeup. I'm not just imagining all those smiles. I've looked through hundreds of photos of Kayla the last few days and I've had it confirmed...she really did have an endless supply of smiles. They were infectious. It's sad that smiles don't show through the masks we wear to keep away other types of infections. 

Kayla and her smiles "lit up a room". I know that's an oft used phrase. I'll tell you what that means to me. I know a lot of people who carry a load of negative energy and a bag of invisible poop around with them.  Those people enter a room and start flinging that negative energy and bag of poop around the room and you feel the urge to run. But before you can get up and run all of your strength has been zapped and you are covered in a heavy layer of poop. That is not a good feeling. That stinks. Kayla was not a poop flinger. Kayla bounced into a room with positive energy and a bag full to the brim of sunshine and moonbeams and glitter to fling around. Oh, yeah, Kayla knew how to light up a room in style!

Life for Kayla was not always hunky-dory, easy-peasy. Most characters in the plot called life suffer through some sort of conflict. She had one chapter in her life I guess I'll call "Positive vs. Negative at The School of Hard Knocks".

 Kayla was clever and curious and wise. She had an inquiring mind but she was not book smart. She would never have a lot of "A"s on a report card to brag about but Kayla was not one to brag. In Kayla's world you didn't need to know the solution to x squared equals 4 or the chemical symbol for salt. In Kayla's world there was no need to read any of Shakespeare's works or find Timbuktu on a map.  Kayla was not a thinker. Kayla was a feeler. I think it might be easy to teach a thinker those things you find in books. It's probably a little more challenging to teach a feeler those things found in books. I don't know how you teach anyone to be a world champion feeler. I don't know how you teach anyone to feel comfortable and confident being the unique and wonderful person they were born. There are some lessons to be learned that can't be found in books.  A couple of years ago Kayla started high school. Started school each day with her smile, positive energy and bag of sunshine and moonbeams. Then one day the bullying started. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". Not true. Words can do damage to those parts of us no one sees. I don't know the sort of words people say that can keep you from wanting to wake up each morning; what sort of words people say that can cause emotional pain every bit as real as a stab to the heart or a punch to the gut; I don't know what sort of words people say that can kill a spirit and leave someone grieving for the loss of themselves. This is the point in our story where the big, ugly, stinky, gross, disgusting, rude, dark negative forces of poop-flingers confronted one little girl full of sugar and spice and everything nice armed with a smile, positive energy and bag full of sunshine and moonbeams and glitter. Day after day they battled until Kayla felt the positive energy running low and she noticed a hole in her bag of sunshine; she could no longer find smiles in her make up bag. She felt she was going to lose the battle if she stayed in the arena. Somehow she found the courage to battle until the school year ended. Then the carefree days of an IsabelleandKayla summer began. You know...I love the sound of birds singing and chirping, bees buzzing as they fly from one flower to another and the sound of a gentle wind rustling leaves. But I really really really love the sound of IsabelleandKayla giggling - the happiest music I have ever heard. A sound so joyous my whole body felt it.   Summer ended and the beginning of a new school year grew close.    Sophomore year...She didn't want to quit school...she just didn't want to go back to THAT school.   Kayla could be very stubborn and when she said she was not going back to THAT school she meant it. The first day of school was quickly approaching. Too quickly. Then it was the day before the first day of school. Then it was the night before. Nightmares. Dreadful thoughts of a confrontation with the ugly, dark, stinky, gross, disgusting, rude negative forces of poop-flingers and bullies with mouths so full of sharp words waiting to cut her heart out. Fear. Desperation. She made cuts up and down both of her arms- an outward display of inner pain- and then without waking anyone in the household she called 911, told them she had attempted suicide and then waited on the front porch for the first responders. She avoided that first week of school with her public cry for help. The pandemic hit around that same time and that was a good thing for Kayla because she had the option to stay at home and take  classes online. Self-disciplined, she got into the habit of working on assignments first thing in the morning and then she spent the rest of her day listening to music and drawing. She also spent a lot of time perfecting her "look".  Gosh that girl had a lot of makeup! She adopted a few guinea pigs to cuddle with and spoil rotten. (As an aside she decided she should have three guinea pigs. One might get lonely. Three would make for a happy guinea pig family. So she daily cared for, nurtured and cuddled with a dad named Peanut, a mom named Sweetie and a baby named BB). Last summer her Positive Energy was eventually restored. Her make up bag was full of makeup and smiles. Her bag of sunshine and moonbeams and glitter was overflowing. She was ready to get back out into the world. This year she has been attending Thomas Edison Academy-an alternative school. She was so excited when she told me she was admitted. She got herself up and got ready for school every day - makeup and smiles and "Good Morning, Grandma".   Back in November Kayla's mom let me know that on January 13th Kayla would receive an Award of Excellence for her essay entitled "How I Want To Change The World".  I asked Kayla what she wrote about. "Oh, I would change how they keep pets in pet stores". Kayla did not attend the award ceremony on the evening of January 13th because she did not feel well. "How I Want To Change The World". I'm not sure what I would write in my essay. But the way Kayla wanted to change the world said a lot to me. It said Kayla felt she was in a pretty Good Place and she felt Good Place didn't need many major renovations. She wanted to make the world a better place for pets who had no one to love them. It said to me that Kayla had defeated the ugly, stinky dark negative forces of poop-flingers. It said to me that Kayla had struggled, endured and persevered and came out of the battle a champion, a positive force with no poop smears to ruin her "look". 

 "How I Want To Change The World". She started changing my world the day I witnessed the miracle of her birth.  She rocked my world. I kept silently reading these words over and over and over again in my quest to get them right and every darned time I got to this point Louis Armstrong burst right into my brain singing "What a Wonderful World"

I see trees of green, red roses too

I see them bloom for me and you

And I think to myself what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white

The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night

And I think to myself what a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces of people going by

I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do

They're really saying I love you

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow

They'll learn much more than I'll never know

And I think to myself what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world

Kayla probably didn't even know there was such a thing as a Golden Rule and if I would have said to her "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" she probably would have asked me what that meant.  Kayla was a pretty plain spoken get-right-to-the-point kind of girl. Lucky for us our model of Kayla came with the Golden Rule installed along with a grade A heart of gold.  I previously mentioned that sometimes Kayla was bullied. She deeply felt the very real pain of bullying.  Although no one may have stood up for her, she stood up for others when they were bullied. She was always there for the underdog. I don't know where she kept that finely tuned "underdog sensor" but she could detect when an underdog got close. She would try to comfort them, give them a couple of doses of goofball-ness and take them under her wing.  Kayla's mom Linda can tell you that every time she and Kayla were going to go out shopping Kayla would make sure Linda had some cash in her pocket just in case they ran across a needy person soliciting donations. Kayla called those needy folks hoboes. Kayla wasn't naive. She knew that maybe some of those hoboes were scammers but just in case they weren't she wanted to give them all a few dollars. Kayla felt that just because one hobo might be a scammer it didn't mean they all were. Help a Hobo! Love thy neighbor as thyself. That goofball must have really loved herself.

Yes, Kayla entered a room with a big smile, lit it up in style and When she left the room it was always with a loud "love you" or "love you guys". She made sure you heard that. And I know she wasn't just saying it to be saying it - she said it with feeling. 

January 15, 2022 Kayla died. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this little ditty... I started immediately missing her. I wondered the why. Every story is supposed to have a who, what, when, where and why before the grand finale. But I figure maybe some stories are never ending. 

There's an extreme fatigue that comes with grief. A few days after Kayla's death I hunkered down under a quilt on the couch and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried some more. I dozed off for a bit. Now, this is going to sound really hokey, cuckoo, bat poop crazy but I woke up suddenly because I felt like a bright light was shining on me and I heard an "ahhhhhh" noise like angels are supposed to make or maybe it was the sound of an "aha moment" or  maybe it was the sound of prayers and good thoughts and condolences passing through.   Who knows. But anyway, when I woke up I felt like I was wrapped in a really warm fuzzy, comforting embrace. No, I wasn't tangled up in a quilt! I felt Kayla's positive energy. I realized that Kayla was actually still with me. I realized I still had the same love for her in my heart and the same memories of her in my mind. We just would not make any new memories. (Well, unless she comes around to haunt me.) She still lives with me. She's still a goofball who makes me laugh. She wraps her arms around me and comforts me when I should be comforting her. There are lots of things in this world I cannot see like love, honesty and compassion but I absolutely, positively know they exist. 

Kayla's body died but the essence of Kayla has been uploaded and saved to The Cloud. She and lots of  other folks who have gone before her can be easily accessed in The Cloud if only you listen and learn the secret passwords and access codes.  

Sugar and spice and everything nice like kindness, compassion, giggles, empathy, smiles, forgiveness, love and laughter. In an explosion of colorful confetti her spirit has been released to the tune of "Staying Alive" and pieces of it have landed on all of us. Don't brush it off. Use it as a starter for your own batch of confetti. 

Kayla has left the room but she left the light on. 

[ At this point my mind sings "I'll be missing you"]

Every step I take, every move I make

Every single day, every time I pray

I'll be missing you

Thinkin' of the day, when you went away

What a life to take, what a bond to break

I'll be missing you.

Ok. Enough said. My stomach is really rumbling and churning. 

Love you, guys!