The Mourning Quilt

The Mourning Quilt

It's a finish!

60 x 80

hand quilted

My granddaughter Kayla unexpectedly passed away in January 2022 at the age of 17.  Her cause of death is still kind of a mystery but the death certificate after autopsy listed it as "probable cardiac arrhythmia".  Kayla lived with me most of her short life and for a few years I was her guardian so she was more like a daughter than a granddaughter. She and another granddaughter, born 5 weeks apart, came into our lives when my husband was at his lowest point with oropharyngeal cancer - angels that gave him a will to live.   

I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager and I know myself well enough to set daily, weekly, monthly and long term goals or I would spend my days in bed. I set goals I can accomplish because I have a fear of failure (and debt).   After Kayla's death  I knew the grief could consume me so one of my goals was to work on a quilt of hearts every day- Sweetheart, Heart throb, Love, Cardiac Arrhythmia, Broken Heart. 

Most of the 4 inch Hearts are made of scraps - pink, white, red. I alternated light and dark blocks in the quilt. 

I hand quilted about 1/4 inch inside each block with perle cotton #12. I used white thread in the light blocks and red thread in the dark blocks. 

The red tone on tone backing has dragonflies in it. Kayla liked those temporary tattoos and usually wore a dragonfly or butterfly. The strange thing is that a week after she passed away she received a couple of dragonfly tattoos in the mail that she had ordered on line.    I used a tone on tone fabric so the hand stitched hearts would show up. 

I had an extra heart left over that I used for the label. My printing doesn't show up all that well on it. I guess I should have used black instead of red marker.  It reads:

Grandma's Mourning Quilt

Kayla

2004 - 2022

And as for the rest of the story...I finished the quilt a few days ago. That night I woke up to go to the bathroom and strangely enough I thought I smelled Kayla's perfume.  Kayla knew I don't really like strong perfume smells. They make my nose run and my eyes water and sometimes give me a sneezing fit. A few weeks before she died she was wearing a new perfume. I loved it and told her it made her smell like a sugar cookie. That made her smile. 

And then after I went to the bathroom I decided to read a book (The Irish Nanny by Sandy Taylor) as I often do when I wake up in the middle of the night.  And strangely enough after a page or two there was a quote by George Eliot - 

“She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.”

Like I said...strangely enough...

And sew on...

Finished or Not Finished Friday at Alycia Quilts

Peacock Party at Wendy's Quilts and More

Slow Sunday Stitching at Kathy's Quilts

 

What's In The Hoop?

Hearts

Probable Cardiac Arrhythmia

Love

Gone in a Heartbeat

Sweetheart

I lost my 17 year old granddaughter a little over a year ago. It was unexpected. She was healthy one day and passed away in her sleep the next. Death certificate listed cause of death as "probable cardiac arrhythmia".  I kind of worked through my grief by making a quilt. 

4 inch hearts in red, white and pink. Most pieces were scraps.

And now it is in the hoop and the hand quilting has begun. 

Big stitch hand quilting with perle #12 in red and white. 

Kayla

December 7, 2004 - January 15, 2022

And sew on...

Slow Sunday Stitching at Kathy's Quilts

Oh Scrap! at Quilting Is More Fun Than Housework

 

The Heart

 

Four inch (finished) hearts.

I suddenly felt like making myself a quilt of red, pink and white hearts.

 I've also been educating myself on genetic cardiac disorders. 

My granddaughter Kayla died unexpectedly on January 15. An autopsy has been performed and evidently her cause of death is still undetermined and still classified as SUD (Sudden Unexplained Death). Even though she tested negative for covid six days before her death and also her preliminary autopsy results for covid were negative I understand that the final autopsy results for covid were positive. However they have not ruled covid as the cause of death. Now the medical examiner has referred her samples on for  sponsored postmortem cardiac genetic testing to see if there was some genetic cardiac disorder that caused her death. Invitae is the lab that is doing the testing. 

I cannot believe there are so many cardiac genetic disorders that can go undetected in young folks. 

&&&&&

If you are interested I've included some research I have come across below. 

Most sudden deaths are because of a cardiac etiology and are termed sudden cardiac death (SCD). In younger individuals coronary artery disease is less prevalent and cardiac genetic disorders are more common. If sudden death is unexplained despite an appropriate autopsy and toxicologic assessment the term sudden arrhythmic death syndrome (SADS) may be used. This is an umbrella term and common underlying etiologies are primary arrhythmia syndromes with a familial basis such as Brugada syndrome, long QT syndrome, and subtle forms of cardiomyopathy. The first clinical presentation of these conditions is often SCD, which makes identification, screening, and risk stratification crucial to avert further deaths. 

----From: The Role of Genetic Testing in Unexplained Sudden Death; NIH National Library of Medicine. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26143861/

*******

From Invitae Test Catalog at: 

https://www.invitae.com/en/providers/test-catalog/test-02101

Invitae Arrhythmia and Cardiomyopathy Comprehensive Panel

Test description

This test provides a comprehensive analysis of the genes associated with inherited arrhythmia and cardiomyopathy conditions.

Disorders Tested:

Alström syndrome
Andersen-Tawil syndrome
Arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy (ARVC)
Atrial fibrillation
Barth syndrome
Brugada syndrome (BrS)
Cantu syndrome
Carnitine palmitoyltransferase II (CPTII or CPT2) deficiency
Carvajal syndrome
Catecholaminergic Polymorphic Ventricular Tachycardia (CPVT)
Combined oxidative phosphorylation deficiency (COXPD)
Congenital disorder of glycosylation DOLK-CDG (CDG-Im)
Danon disease
Dilated cardiomyopathy (DCM)
Dystrophinopathy
Dystrophy-dystroglycanopathy types A4, B4, C4, A5, B5 and C5
Emery-Dreifuss muscular dystrophy (EDMD)
Fabry disease
Glycogen storage disease type II (GSDII), also known as Pompe disease
Glycogen storage disease, type III (GSD III)
Hereditary transthyretin-mediated amyloidosis (hATTR amyloidosis)
Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (HCM)
Inherited cardiomyopathies
Jervell and Lange-Nielsen syndrome (JLNS)
Left ventricular noncompaction (LVNC)
Limb-girdle muscular dystrophy type 2F
Long QT syndrome (LQTS)
Naxos disease
Noonan-spectrum disorders
Primary carnitine deficiency
Propionic acidemia
Restrictive cardiomyopathy (RCM)
SDHA-related mitochondrial complex II deficiency
Short QT syndrome (SQTS)
Timothy syndrome
Very long chain acyl-CoA dehydrogenase (VLCAD) deficiency
Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome (WPW)

Let's Have A Show Of Hands

My friends with the Sunshine Online Quilt Guild (SOQG) sent me flowers, cards, thoughts and prayers after the death of my granddaughter Kayla. To show their support some folks also sent me some handsome hands to hold. Oh, what fun! I will make them into a quilt as a remembrance of Kayla and to keep the loving support of my friends close at hand. 

I've got to hand it to them...they are a creative bunch!

I also received some Heart Blocks I will combine with the Hands. 

In my quilt I'll also use some of the scraps left over from making...

...those Friendship Star Quilts. 

 

Friendship Star Comfort Quilts

I've finished five Friendship Star comfort quilts for my recently deceased granddaughter Kayla's friends.

Each finishes at 60 x 72 and each consists of thirty 12 inch Friendship Star blocks. 

I made three quilts in a Friendship Star Variation because that is how many I figured I could make with a black solid I had on hand. I guess I estimated correctly because after I finished 90 blocks for these three quilts I had about a 3 inch wonky piece left over. 

I also used up most of my yellow chunks of fabric making blocks for three quilts.

I also used up a little pile of rainbow colored fabrics I had set aside for a donation quilt. Then I used up most of my multicolor peace sign fabrics I've had for ages. And I found a few other rainbow-ish looking fabrics and scraps to use. 

Then I made two Friendship Star quilts alternating dark and colorful backgrounds.  I had ordered a couple of bolts of fabric that took forever to get here and I originally intended to make Friendship Stars in just two fabrics (black with rainbow print and orange confetti looking batik) reversed in alternate blocks. 

While I was waiting for the bolts to arrive I continued on with my rainbow fabrics and used it for the background and a piece of black with rainbow polka dots for the Stars. I had that black with polka dots set aside as a donation quilt backing. 

Well, then my bolts of fabric arrived and gosh...I knew it had peace signs on it but I didn't remember that it had what looked like a marijuana leaf on it in rainbow colors. I guess I can play the old lady card and pretend I thought it was a beautiful autumn leaf.  Or I can put a disclaimer with the quilt that says just because the fabric has a marijuana leaf on it doesn't mean that this grandma condones the use of it. 

Well, anyway, I went ahead and used it as the background and the orange batik for the Stars in alternate blocks. Out of rainbow fabrics I used a few batik fabrics I had for the dark star backgrounds in the second quilt of this variety. 

I have a partial set of blocks made for the sixth and final Friendship Stars quilt but I wanted to get these five quilts out to her friends as soon as possible. The sixth quilt is for my other granddaughter Isabelle who is five weeks older than Kayla and Kayla's best friend. I'm thinking I will not only give Isabelle a Friendship Star quilt but finish Kayla's high school graduation quilt for her too.  I had just dug out Kayla's graduation quilt UFO to work on in December. Isabelle's graduation quilt has been in the hope chest for quite some time but I never got around to finishing Kayla's. 

I used a third bolt of fabric I ordered for the backings. I had enough for four quilts and I used the orange batik as a backing for the fifth quilt and for the binding on all of the quilts. I quilted all of them on my DSM with spirals in a variegated thread called Sunset. 

Labeled.

And I made a few pocket hugs to go with the quilts. I've made some of these in the past and also have called them pocket prayer quilts. 

 

Tulips In The Snow

Tulips In The Snow

It's a finish!

43 x 43

hand quilted

I started this as a response to an Adhoc Improv Quilt (AHIQ) January 2021 prompt. 

I finished the top back in April 2021. The colors were inspired by a cardinal I saw in the snow from my kitchen window.  The strings all came from my string bins. 

I hand quilted it with perle cotton #8. 

I've been stitching while grieving so this quilt is full of not only stitches but tears and memories. 

Tulips In The Snow

Hand quilted in the weeks following the death of beloved granddaughter Kayla on January 15, 2022

Beloved granddaughter a couple of months before her third birthday trying out some wings. 

Now back to those Friendship Star quilts!

 

And Then There Were 90 Friendship Stars

 

90 Friendship Star Blocks for Plan B

I don't listen to music or watch TV while sewing. I like the silence. The hum of the sewing machine, rhythm of the needle and colors and patterns of fabric passing by are both mesmerizing and soothing and clears the mind. Sometimes, however; a few of the marbles rolling around in the brain bump together and spark a thought which sparks another and before I know it a lyrical essay has been written in my mind. 

I was thinking of how I made all of these blocks and I still have not received the fabric I actually ordered to make these blocks- 2 fabrics so blocks in all these quilts for my granddaughter's grieving friends would be all the same and I wouldn't have to think about which fabrics to use from my stash. I have blocks for three out of five quilts made and my fabric order still has not arrived. I was thinking about how it is so easy to expect instant gratification and to throw patience out the door. 

I started making my own clothes back in high school. I attended Catholic school before that and wore a uniform so didn't have any school clothes. It cost too much money to go to Catholic High School so I had to go to public high school. I was the oldest of five and we lived with our Dad who didn't really think we needed many clothes - maybe a nice dress or two for Sunday Mass. 

Back then, before big box stores, it was cheaper to make clothes than to buy them. My paternal grandmother who lived at a distance taught me to sew. The first piece of clothing I made was an aqua broadcloth V-neck jumper with lining and zipper. I don't know how many times I had to model the darned thing that summer after sixth grade. Every time a friend or relative came over to visit grandma bragged about my jumper and that led to me modeling it. For years afterwards I was known to grandma's friends and my older relatives I didn't see very often as "the one who sews". 

 I grew up before credit cards and the internet. I babysat for a number of families from the ages of 13-16. Most of that money went into a passbook savings account - saving for a car or college or a few Christmas presents for my siblings. I had a job working a soda fountain in the summer and weekends when I was 15 and later when I was 16 I worked evenings, holidays and weekends and summers at the pie counter of a busy cafeteria.  I took my paycheck straight to the bank and put most of it right into the savings account. I had to take my passbook with me - a little blue book in a plastic folder - and the teller would hand write in the passbook the amount to added (or subtracted) from my total. I learned to count my money once it was in hand to make sure it totaled the amount subtracted from my passbook.  One paycheck was not usually enough to buy myself any fabric to make a dress or skirt (at that time girls wore dresses or skirts at least knee length to public high school, not pants, believe it or not) so I had to save up for my fabric. I usually bought fabric at the J.C. Penney store. (I later bought my record albums there too). I especially remember the brown plaid wool I bought to make a drindl skirt with buttons down the front. I was so proud of the way I matched the plaid in the seams and of the buttonholes I made for the first time. I used repurposed buttons. And I also saved up to buy some brown yarn to knit a sweater to match. That was the first and last piece of clothing I knit. I found crochet to be a lot easier. 

So now I've kind of come full circle. With retirement I don't have much money for fabric and I sometimes have to wait for it when I do buy it. In the meantime I can make do and have not come to expect instant gratification. My fabric will be here when it will be here. 

 

Plan B

Most of Kayla's friends are having a difficult time dealing with her death. Three of them are new friends she met when school started in September. They have made a memorial page for her on Facebook but I'm not on Facebook so have not seen it. I just saw their grief at the visitation and Celebration of Life service.  Another girl who could not stop sobbing at both the visitation and service  has been her friend since Junior High. She goes to a different alternative high school but they have never lost touch. I saw a boy walk into the visitation with crutches. He must either have cerebral palsy or muscular dystrophy. He stood by himself at the coffin and talked to Kayla for the longest time. I couldn't hear what he said but I saw his lips moving. My husband asked him his name and we found it in the guest book. He said he had been friends with Kayla since Junior High and the first year of high school but parted ways when she went to a different school. He was alone again at the Celebration of Life service. He had no coat or hat and it was a very cold day.   All of these kids told us that Kayla had helped them through some troubles.  My other granddaughter is only five weeks older than Kayla.  They have been best friends since birth. 

I decided I wanted to make a quilt for these six kids. Maybe they could wrap up and think of Kayla when troubled and possibly find a little comfort. I am also going to make some little stuffed hearts they can carry in their pockets if they so choose - kind of like a worry stone, prayer stone, memorial stone. 

Except for a few collections of fabric most of my stash is in chunks or smaller scraps. I did not feel like thinking much about what fabric to use to make the quilts so for the first time in my life on January 29th I ordered a couple of bolts of fabric thinking I would make six Friendship Star quilts all the same with one fabric for the background and one for the Stars.   Well, then yesterday I felt like doing some sewing; however, I only felt like making the Friendship Star quilts. Yesterday I still had not even received notification that my fabric had been shipped.  What to do?? What to do??

I dug around in my pile of solids I use for backgrounds and found a big piece of black solid I didn't even know I had. Kayla was usually dressed in black- the goth look. Ok. Maybe I'll use that.  As I mentioned previously Kayla spread sunshine all over the place so I picked up some yellow chunks of fabric thinking I would make yellow stars on a black background. But I was not sure I had enough black or yellow for six quilts so I decided to start by making three quilts the same for her latest group of friends with the memorial page.  Then I was not sure I had enough black for three quilts so decided to stretch it a little with a third fabric and a Friendship Star variation. What to use for a third fabric?? I had a few rainbow-ish fabrics sitting around in a little pile that I have been collecting for a donation quilt. Who doesn't love a rainbow? I searched around and found quite a few multicolored rainbow-ish fabrics to add to that little pile. And Kayla is somewhere over the rainbow so...I sewed.  I'm making 12 inch (finished) blocks and will use 30 blocks in each quilt. 

I'm not sure I have enough solid black for three quilts but that is easy enough to come by. Not sure I have enough rainbows but I've made a lot of blocks and I still have a little pile of rainbows.  This will keep me busy until my fabric order ships. Then I will make the other three quilts as I originally intended. Or maybe I'll change my mind and use the bolts of fabric for backings. 

I am just thankful my grandmother taught me to sew at an early age. It is one way I have found to deal with worry, troubles and grief over the years. Reading and gardening work pretty well too. 

Granddaughters Kayla and Isabelle learning to sew seams on their little Janomes in 2014 at age 10.  Grandma spent most of her time threading the sewing machine needles. 

 

Where Was I?

There's nothing like a dentist appointment to whisk you right off the grief couch and plop you right into reality.  I was going to cancel my 8:00 a.m. appointment for this morning. I don't feel like going to the dentist on the best of days. Well, I didn't cancel. I went.  If I didn't go today I probably would not reschedule for quite some time. 

When I got there and checked in I went to take off my jacket. Well, the zipper tab was stuck in the middle with my jacket unzipped above and below the tab. For Pete's Sake! I was stuck in my coat. I fiddled around with it for a few minutes but zipper tab would not budge. So, in front of receptionists and a couple of folks in the waiting room I had to kind of wiggle around in my jacket in order to get my arms out of it so I could pull it over my head. Wiggle, wiggle. That's the most exercise I've had in a few weeks.  I was hoping I would not also pull my shirt over my head when I pulled my jacket off. Sheesh. I didn't bother to put my coat back on when I left. I had no wiggles left in me. Thank goodness it was a nice warm 40 degrees today. 

When I got home I decided to go into the sewing room. That was kind of overwhelming because most of my sewing projects are organized in my mind. My mind kind of went control -alt -delete when Kayla, my granddaughter, passed away.  I found these Jacob's Ladder blocks on the ironing board. So I ironed them. 

And then I counted how many blocks I have. That would be 41. I want 63 blocks.  I started making these in order to use a lot of cream scraps left over after making a Jack's Chain quilt as well as a lot of brown scraps.  Now most of those cream scraps are gone so I will look through chunks and yardage for some cream pieces  to make 22 more nine inch (finished) blocks. 

Today I ironed and counted (and wiggled). Moving forward. 

And speaking of Jacob...here's Kayla and her cousins Jacob and Isabelle on Thanksgiving 2013. 

Thank you for the cards, prayers, positive thoughts and condolences. They provided a comfort and warmth every bit as real as a loving mother's arms. I tried to respond individually to everyone who left comments; however, some of you are "no--reply" bloggers. I also saw many comments from others who have lost loved ones at a young age and for that I offer my condolences. 

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart - Helen Keller.

 

One Stitch At A Time

Tulips in the Snow

Before my granddaughter Kayla passed away on January 15th I had pinned a small lap quilt for hand quilting but had not yet taken a stitch. I have picked it up a few times over the last few weeks and put in a few stitches when I could. 

Each day I have been able to do more and more stitching. Ah, the healing power of quilting!

Teaching Kayla some hand stitching 2012.