Kayla
December 7, 2004 - January 15, 2022
Celebration of Life Address
January 27, 2022
I'm Kayla's grandma. She has lived with me for most of her 17 years. I miss her.
Missing her is not easy. It doesn't matter if I miss her standing up, miss her sitting down or miss her lying down. A heavy weight keeps me in place; keeps me from moving. I feel numb but at the same time feel such a profound sadness, despair, helplessness. I sit and stare at nothing and yet an endless loop plays over and over again in my mind full of images and memories of Kayla mixed with lots of unanswered questions.
I thought if I could write about her, put the essence of Kayla on paper, I could later read about her whenever I wanted and like all good story book characters she would come alive in my mind.
At first I could not find the words but I wrote a few down every day. When I did finally put some words into cohesive sentences the words were just not right. I wrote and backspaced and rewrote and deleted. I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote and rewrote in my mind only to wake up in the morning, write down the words that kept me up all night and then spend hours and hours again writing, deleting, cutting, writing again. Sadly, nothing I have written has brought her character to life for me. I'd like to share what I've written so far. Maybe for just these few minutes she will come alive for you. I'm not sure I actually have the strength to speak them. Bear with me. I'm a very shy person. I have a difficult time speaking one on one with people. The thought of speaking before a group, for me, is the stuff nightmares are made of. In the best of times when I have had to speak before a group I've had a difficult time controlling the quiver in my voice, sweaty armpits, shaky hands, and rumbling stomach that comes with a fear that a churning stomach will result in a gas leak. Just so you know...I may not be able to control the tears, shaky voice and hands, sweating armpits and rumbling noises coming from my stomach but I'm going to try really really hard to prevent a massive gas explosion.
Over 17 years ago two angels popped into our lives when they were needed the most. The first angel, named Isabelle, arrived on October 31, 2004. The second, named Kayla, arrived 5 weeks later on December 7, 2004. Since then around our house "IsabelleandKayla" has been all one word - the collective noun used to describe a dynamic duo of angels. A few days ago one of those Angels decided she had some urgent business to tend to elsewhere and "poof" she was gone in an instant.
Kayla, like all little girls, was born "sugar and spice and everything nice". Everything nice included pink. "Pink" was one of her first words and how appropriate because she seemed always to be "in the pink". As Kayla matured black became the new pink and she became "giggles and rainbows, song and dance, hugs and kisses, skittles and chocolate, bling and glitter" personified.
When I first began to write this little ditty about a girl named Kayla I jotted down a few words that I thought described her best. One of the first words that came to mind was "goofball". I kept thinking I should change "goofball" to something that sounds maybe a little nicer like "free spirit" but that didn't seem right either. She was a free spirit but goofball overrules free spirit in my play book So I stuck with...
"Kayla was a goofball and I think that's a good thing".
After I wrote that I was having a difficult time defining what I meant by goofball and why I thought it was a good thing. Sooooo...., guess what...I spent almost a whole day researching goofballs and basically what I found out about goofballs was:
The word "goofball" is old-fashioned and fun and when it comes around to calling someone a goofball, it's a real compliment.
Being a goofball comes naturally, and one of the qualities of goofball-ness is that the goofball is usually a person who can laugh at themselves and take a joke without being upset. Goofballs show the world that it's okay to laugh. Goofballs love to make others laugh — and not only that, they know how to bring out the love in others as well. When a person makes fun of themselves or does something to draw attention to themselves in a humorous or super corny way, that's the goofball gift that keeps on giving.
We remember goofballs. And we remember them because we are impressed with their lack of pretense and their honest ways.
Goofballs don't take life too seriously. They just enjoy the passage of time.
The day I was doing my research on goofballs I took a break to go check on Linda and Sean. Linda told me she found an old video of Kayla on her Facebook page that I needed to see. I guess I miss a lot of things because I don't hang out on Facebook. There in the short clip was little girl Kayla dancing around and singing to the tune of "Staying Alive". That goofball! On a day I was researching goofballs she magically pops up in one of her goofball videos and of all the millions of songs she could have been singing it was "Staying alive " Cue the Twilight Zone music. There seemed to be some kind of eerie message in that video.
Yes, yes...Kayla was a goofball.
As she got into her teen years I never knew what style or color her hair would be from one day to the next. One day she might have long hair that was blond on one side and brunette on the other and the next month she might have shaved red hair on one side and and long green hair on the other. I never told her this but I am ashamed to admit that at times I was a little embarrassed to be seen with her in public sporting her wildest and craziest 'dos and hair colors. This old lady has had the same hair style since high school and although the color has changed since high school that was a natural occurrence. How shallow of me to think her hair style and color changed her in some way. How shallow of me that at those times I let appearance overrule the "sugar and spice and everything nice" she was born with way down deep inside. Those times she should have been both embarrassed and ashamed to be seen with me. I would give anything now to be seen with her in public with any 'do. That's the problem with death and grief and the guilt that goes with it...it leaves us with a quite a few sentences that begin with "I would give anything".
While Kayla was having fun perfecting her "look" she figured out that no hair color or style would never clash with a smile so she put one of those on 'most every day. (At this point in my mind I hear the words to "Put on a Happy Face").
Pick out a pleasant outlook,
Stick out that noble chin;
Wipe off that "full of doubt" look,
Slap on a happy grin!
And spread sunshine all over the place,
Just put on a happy face!
She has always had an endless supply of smiles in her bag of makeup. I'm not just imagining all those smiles. I've looked through hundreds of photos of Kayla the last few days and I've had it confirmed...she really did have an endless supply of smiles. They were infectious. It's sad that smiles don't show through the masks we wear to keep away other types of infections.
Kayla and her smiles "lit up a room". I know that's an oft used phrase. I'll tell you what that means to me. I know a lot of people who carry a load of negative energy and a bag of invisible poop around with them. Those people enter a room and start flinging that negative energy and bag of poop around the room and you feel the urge to run. But before you can get up and run all of your strength has been zapped and you are covered in a heavy layer of poop. That is not a good feeling. That stinks. Kayla was not a poop flinger. Kayla bounced into a room with positive energy and a bag full to the brim of sunshine and moonbeams and glitter to fling around. Oh, yeah, Kayla knew how to light up a room in style!
Life for Kayla was not always hunky-dory, easy-peasy. Most characters in the plot called life suffer through some sort of conflict. She had one chapter in her life I guess I'll call "Positive vs. Negative at The School of Hard Knocks".
Kayla was clever and curious and wise. She had an inquiring mind but she was not book smart. She would never have a lot of "A"s on a report card to brag about but Kayla was not one to brag. In Kayla's world you didn't need to know the solution to x squared equals 4 or the chemical symbol for salt. In Kayla's world there was no need to read any of Shakespeare's works or find Timbuktu on a map. Kayla was not a thinker. Kayla was a feeler. I think it might be easy to teach a thinker those things you find in books. It's probably a little more challenging to teach a feeler those things found in books. I don't know how you teach anyone to be a world champion feeler. I don't know how you teach anyone to feel comfortable and confident being the unique and wonderful person they were born. There are some lessons to be learned that can't be found in books. A couple of years ago Kayla started high school. Started school each day with her smile, positive energy and bag of sunshine and moonbeams. Then one day the bullying started. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". Not true. Words can do damage to those parts of us no one sees. I don't know the sort of words people say that can keep you from wanting to wake up each morning; what sort of words people say that can cause emotional pain every bit as real as a stab to the heart or a punch to the gut; I don't know what sort of words people say that can kill a spirit and leave someone grieving for the loss of themselves. This is the point in our story where the big, ugly, stinky, gross, disgusting, rude, dark negative forces of poop-flingers confronted one little girl full of sugar and spice and everything nice armed with a smile, positive energy and bag full of sunshine and moonbeams and glitter. Day after day they battled until Kayla felt the positive energy running low and she noticed a hole in her bag of sunshine; she could no longer find smiles in her make up bag. She felt she was going to lose the battle if she stayed in the arena. Somehow she found the courage to battle until the school year ended. Then the carefree days of an IsabelleandKayla summer began. You know...I love the sound of birds singing and chirping, bees buzzing as they fly from one flower to another and the sound of a gentle wind rustling leaves. But I really really really love the sound of IsabelleandKayla giggling - the happiest music I have ever heard. A sound so joyous my whole body felt it. Summer ended and the beginning of a new school year grew close. Sophomore year...She didn't want to quit school...she just didn't want to go back to THAT school. Kayla could be very stubborn and when she said she was not going back to THAT school she meant it. The first day of school was quickly approaching. Too quickly. Then it was the day before the first day of school. Then it was the night before. Nightmares. Dreadful thoughts of a confrontation with the ugly, dark, stinky, gross, disgusting, rude negative forces of poop-flingers and bullies with mouths so full of sharp words waiting to cut her heart out. Fear. Desperation. She made cuts up and down both of her arms- an outward display of inner pain- and then without waking anyone in the household she called 911, told them she had attempted suicide and then waited on the front porch for the first responders. She avoided that first week of school with her public cry for help. The pandemic hit around that same time and that was a good thing for Kayla because she had the option to stay at home and take classes online. Self-disciplined, she got into the habit of working on assignments first thing in the morning and then she spent the rest of her day listening to music and drawing. She also spent a lot of time perfecting her "look". Gosh that girl had a lot of makeup! She adopted a few guinea pigs to cuddle with and spoil rotten. (As an aside she decided she should have three guinea pigs. One might get lonely. Three would make for a happy guinea pig family. So she daily cared for, nurtured and cuddled with a dad named Peanut, a mom named Sweetie and a baby named BB). Last summer her Positive Energy was eventually restored. Her make up bag was full of makeup and smiles. Her bag of sunshine and moonbeams and glitter was overflowing. She was ready to get back out into the world. This year she has been attending Thomas Edison Academy-an alternative school. She was so excited when she told me she was admitted. She got herself up and got ready for school every day - makeup and smiles and "Good Morning, Grandma". Back in November Kayla's mom let me know that on January 13th Kayla would receive an Award of Excellence for her essay entitled "How I Want To Change The World". I asked Kayla what she wrote about. "Oh, I would change how they keep pets in pet stores". Kayla did not attend the award ceremony on the evening of January 13th because she did not feel well. "How I Want To Change The World". I'm not sure what I would write in my essay. But the way Kayla wanted to change the world said a lot to me. It said Kayla felt she was in a pretty Good Place and she felt Good Place didn't need many major renovations. She wanted to make the world a better place for pets who had no one to love them. It said to me that Kayla had defeated the ugly, stinky dark negative forces of poop-flingers. It said to me that Kayla had struggled, endured and persevered and came out of the battle a champion, a positive force with no poop smears to ruin her "look".
"How I Want To Change The World". She started changing my world the day I witnessed the miracle of her birth. She rocked my world. I kept silently reading these words over and over and over again in my quest to get them right and every darned time I got to this point Louis Armstrong burst right into my brain singing "What a Wonderful World"
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you
I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world
Kayla probably didn't even know there was such a thing as a Golden Rule and if I would have said to her "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" she probably would have asked me what that meant. Kayla was a pretty plain spoken get-right-to-the-point kind of girl. Lucky for us our model of Kayla came with the Golden Rule installed along with a grade A heart of gold. I previously mentioned that sometimes Kayla was bullied. She deeply felt the very real pain of bullying. Although no one may have stood up for her, she stood up for others when they were bullied. She was always there for the underdog. I don't know where she kept that finely tuned "underdog sensor" but she could detect when an underdog got close. She would try to comfort them, give them a couple of doses of goofball-ness and take them under her wing. Kayla's mom Linda can tell you that every time she and Kayla were going to go out shopping Kayla would make sure Linda had some cash in her pocket just in case they ran across a needy person soliciting donations. Kayla called those needy folks hoboes. Kayla wasn't naive. She knew that maybe some of those hoboes were scammers but just in case they weren't she wanted to give them all a few dollars. Kayla felt that just because one hobo might be a scammer it didn't mean they all were. Help a Hobo! Love thy neighbor as thyself. That goofball must have really loved herself.
Yes, Kayla entered a room with a big smile, lit it up in style and When she left the room it was always with a loud "love you" or "love you guys". She made sure you heard that. And I know she wasn't just saying it to be saying it - she said it with feeling.
January 15, 2022 Kayla died. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this little ditty... I started immediately missing her. I wondered the why. Every story is supposed to have a who, what, when, where and why before the grand finale. But I figure maybe some stories are never ending.
There's an extreme fatigue that comes with grief. A few days after Kayla's death I hunkered down under a quilt on the couch and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried some more. I dozed off for a bit. Now, this is going to sound really hokey, cuckoo, bat poop crazy but I woke up suddenly because I felt like a bright light was shining on me and I heard an "ahhhhhh" noise like angels are supposed to make or maybe it was the sound of an "aha moment" or maybe it was the sound of prayers and good thoughts and condolences passing through. Who knows. But anyway, when I woke up I felt like I was wrapped in a really warm fuzzy, comforting embrace. No, I wasn't tangled up in a quilt! I felt Kayla's positive energy. I realized that Kayla was actually still with me. I realized I still had the same love for her in my heart and the same memories of her in my mind. We just would not make any new memories. (Well, unless she comes around to haunt me.) She still lives with me. She's still a goofball who makes me laugh. She wraps her arms around me and comforts me when I should be comforting her. There are lots of things in this world I cannot see like love, honesty and compassion but I absolutely, positively know they exist.
Kayla's body died but the essence of Kayla has been uploaded and saved to The Cloud. She and lots of other folks who have gone before her can be easily accessed in The Cloud if only you listen and learn the secret passwords and access codes.
Sugar and spice and everything nice like kindness, compassion, giggles, empathy, smiles, forgiveness, love and laughter. In an explosion of colorful confetti her spirit has been released to the tune of "Staying Alive" and pieces of it have landed on all of us. Don't brush it off. Use it as a starter for your own batch of confetti.
Kayla has left the room but she left the light on.
[ At this point my mind sings "I'll be missing you"]
Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I'll be missing you
Thinkin' of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I'll be missing you.
Ok. Enough said. My stomach is really rumbling and churning.
Love you, guys!
I know some of you wonder about me when I step away from the blog for a bit so just thought I would let you know that my 17 year old granddaughter was found dead in her bed this morning. Cause of death is unknown at this point so we are awaiting an autopsy that will hopefully give us an explanation as to what happened to our beloved granddaughter. I am heartbroken, shocked, devastated and numb at this point. I cannot sew. I must grieve for awhile.
Cathy
